To Make Love With Your Eyes Closed Page 10

  “Hey!” I call out. He turns around. “How’s Casey?”

  “Yer good, things are good.”

  Well that’s about as much as I would get out of him as ever so there’s not much of a surprise there. Or maybe I just rubbed in the fact that I’m not opening up about my love life to him? Jesus Christ, great one Gerry!

  I head out into the staff room. I can’t take this anymore! I go to flip my phone on to send you a text but I see that you’ve already texted me first. I slide it open right away.

  “I have to see you,” It reads.

  Ugh.

  “How is everything going?”

  “We’ll talk about it later.”

  I assume he’s pretty upset. I feel really shitty now. No, I shouldn’t. You breaking up with her was a good thing, she deserves to be treated better than that.

  “What time do you finish?” you ask.

  “I left a note, did you get it?”

  “Yer.”

  I get called back into do some work by Tripp before I can quickly put together another iMessage. When I return in ten minutes time I struggle with what to type.

  “Meet at St. Stephen’s Green at 3:30?”

  “3:40”

  I roll my eyes, but that’s just typical you. I’m chewing my fingernails now. I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel. Time feels like it’s dragging on extra slow. The clock feels like my enemy. I have no fingernails left. I feel like it’s painful to exist in time. I begin to believe that this feeling of waiting for something is definitely the most awful feeling in existence.

  2pm rolls around slowly but surely though and the minute it does I punch out of work and race out that door. I know I still have a bit of time to kill before I am seeing you, but I just can’t stand around in the same space when I’m feeling so anxious. I hurry down Grafton Street and grab a bunch of flowers. I don’t know why flowers. Most people buy flowers for the people they love. This situation is a bit different… maybe it will make you feel better. Or me. It’s definitely going to slightly make me feel better, I feel so shit for all of what I’ve caused.

  I end up arriving in St. Stephens Green just before 3:40. I look around near the lake like a worried meerkat, smelling out the scent of fire in his neighbourhood. I spot you, sitting on a stone chair. You spot me at the same time. You look really pale and cold. You get up and hurry over to me as I see you.

  “Thank God you’re here.” You say.

  You grab me by the cheeks and kiss me like you haven’t seen me in weeks.

  “So how did it go?”

  You say nothing. You just look me in the eyes.

  “You did do it, didn’t you?”

  Again you say nothing.

  I drop the flowers to the floor and immediately walk away. I’m done with you. I am so done with you, done with all of this!

  “Stop, just give me a chance to explain!”

  “Explain what Thomas? Explain how you don’t have the courage to end a relationship you’re not invested in?! You’re cheating on someone for Christ’s sake! You’re lying about who you are! You’re breaking everyone’s heart around you! Including your own! I hope you enjoy your sad, little miserable life Thomas, because I don’t want to be a part of it anymore!”

  “It’s just too complicated!”

  “What is so complicated Thomas?! Tell me?!”

  I turn to face you but you have nothing to say. I no longer feel like I’m looking at a man that I love and look up to, I now feel like I’m looking at a coward.

  “See!” I say waving my arms in the air, “no answer.”

  You try to grab me by the arm but I throw you away. I’ve never walked so fast in my entire life. I don’t even turn around to see if you’re chasing me, but I feel like you’re not.

  17

  How could I be so stupid? Do I never learn my lesson? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so angry, but I’m so hurt at the same time. Suddenly the image of you I have in my head is transformed. No longer am I thinking of you in a beautiful and angelic way, now I think of you with anger and with hate. I hate you! You’re a monster! You’re a deceiving nasty piece of work! And now, thanks to you I’ve become a monster too. Look what I have become. But I can’t blame you.. I heard the sounds of the sirens all the same. I can’t just blame you for all of this. I helped you create this mess. I’m done. I am so done. I can’t go running back to you now. I want to force myself to cry but nothing is coming out. I’m so full of rage and acceptance of this. I understand that I am responsible for this shitstorm, that’s why I’m not crying. I’m not crying because I don’t want sympathy, I don’t deserve it. I hope to God I never see your face again!

  But I do.

  For the next half an hour of my walk it’s all I see. Can you blame me? In every stranger in the street I see you. You’re everywhere. Soon the anger begins to settle down. Like a pot of hot water that’s had the heating turned off and the bubbles have stopped. Suddenly I feel cold inside, cold because I miss you, and because this time it’s me that’s walking away.

  What have I done?

  I’ve been careless, unsympathetic, I should be there for you! I said I always would be. I turn around and head back. I can’t leave us like this, I can’t just take you to the edge of the cliff and just push you off alone.

  I’m not sure if I want to be next to you again because I genuinely regret leaving you, or because I just can’t handle being alone. I love you, so much, so much that I just don’t think that I can live without you. I think that at some point our souls decided that they would be connected, and would remain that way. Now it is physically not possible for us to be with other people. Or in this case, for me.

  I’m confused again, you say you love me but you choose her. I feel like my heart is bleeding out across the streets of Dublin and only your touch can heal my wound.

  How can I be so childishly naive to become so attached to someone who wasn’t on the same page as me though? There were so many signs. So many! I should have known that the second you denied this in the beginning you weren’t ready, but then theres me, always attached to the fixer uppers. I’m so doomed. I’m always falling for people who need help, who need to be saved, and then I feel alone when no one is there to save me.

  I expect that I can just do this alone. I expect that I can be in a relationship alone. I treat my men like I’m their fucking mothers for Christ’s sake!

  I slow down. I’m not sure whether to go back or not. I turn around and look down O’Connell Street. If I hurry now you’ll still be there. You have to be. I wonder why you haven’t tried to message me. I’m sure you saw this coming though when you planned on telling me that you hadn’t left her yet. You had to. I gave you so many signs that this was the only way things would work out.

  Maybe you thought I would keel over, and you know what, I think I’m about to do exactly that. You’re right in that way then. You’re a perfect manipulator. You know exactly how to push my buttons, to get me to do what you want, you probably have no idea that you’re even doing it. But you know you can get exactly whatever the hell you want from me. I try and prove to myself that you’re wrong. That you can’t, that I am perfectly capable of saying no to you. But you tug on my heartstrings so hard and I have no choice but to obey you, my awful master. I am the slave to your powers.

  I hurry my pace. I don’t know what on Earth I’m going to say to you but in the words of yourself, I just have to see you. I don’t care what we say to each other I just need to be next to you again. You’re my oxygen. I literally run up Grafton Street, there’s a worried look on my face like I’m racing away from a terrorist attack or a mass murderer. The people in these streets must think I’m off me heed. I’m pale, and my breath is running thin. Suddenly smoking feels like a terrible idea.

  I don’t even wait for the traffic lights to cross into St. Stephens. I dodge the cars, dodge the bikes. I must be out of my mind. A small white van/tour bus comes to a horrifying screech of a stop centimetres
away from me. The driver is yelling something at me, I don’t know. I am almost out of breath when I turn the corner of the entrance and launch into the gardens. There you are. Your back is facing me. I’m about to call out your name, but I have no energy left. Then I see her. Grace, she’s here too.

  “What?” I whisper to myself, aggressively trying to regain control over my breathing.

  You’re kissing and hugging each other. You look happy though. You don’t look sad, scared or worried at all. I can’t believe this. I’m not processing this. It’s not real. You can’t do this to me. One human being cannot physically do this to another. It just not physically be possible.

  I stand out of breath and then it comes. My tears. There’s no conscious choice in me drawing them in. They just do. They flood out. I look like a fucking mess. I hate crying in public. I can’t usually do it, even when I’m trying to make myself, but right now I can’t stop. I pull my hood up and turn the other way. I can’t watch anymore. I don’t know how I feel. I’m crying, that’s probably a good hint but I honestly don’t know. I just feel empty. Then the feelings bubble up. I feel ridiculed, I feel embarrassed and I feel stupid. How could I let this happen to myself? Where did it all go wrong?

  I laugh to myself and shake my head. I don’t deserve a warm arm around me right now because I dug myself into this stupid fucking hole. I snigger at you and her, shaking my head, before I walk away.

  Suddenly I am reminded of Duncan. Maybe because I’m feeling so lonely. I think about how stupid I was to give up on him because I thought maybe I had a chance with someone better. Well it all really didn’t turn out that way whatsoever did it?

  Duncan’s gone, Thomas’ gone, Tripp and Rory think I’m an idiot, oh man, I must LOOK like an idiot to Byron.

  I have honestly fucked up my life, all the way, to quote Mumford & Sons. Not even my iPhone playlist’s can help me right now. I don’t know what I need. I just want this pain to go away! It’s killing me. It’s hurting my soul. I’ve let you have the power to destroy me, to ruin me into obliteration. How could I allow that to happen? My power is gone. I have nothing. I am just a wandering soul who attracts and deserves nothing but trouble all the time. I want comfort. I NEED comfort right now.

  I’m home in what feels like no time at all. I guess pain makes time go a lot faster…

  As I push in the front door I look at my canvas. The stunning artwork I devised the other day is sitting on the easel. I storm up to it and tear it off. I crush it into a ball and set it alight with my lighter. That stupid artwork was supposed to represent a happiness I didn’t know I could find in this world, but now all it represents is my naivety. I grab the paintbrush that’s dabbed in the black paint. I am holding it so aggressively. It’s feeling the fire of my angst right now. I’m staring at the white blank canvas the same way I did not long before I met you. I consider racing the brush across the canvas and depicting exactly how I feel but I don’t even have the inspiration nor energy enough for that. I’m just an empty vessel. An empty furious vessel. I press down on the paintbrush very hard and snap it between my fingers. It takes me a moment to process exactly what it is that I’ve just done.

  I don’t even care. I don’t even fucking care.

  I have some ice water, get changed and turn on the radio.

  Mumford & Sons’ Snake Eyes comes on. Perfect. It’s a painful song that seems to reflect exactly how I feel in this moment. I let it play out, it soothes my soul. As it ends and Leona Lewis’ new song starts to play I feel inspired, or guided. Not to paint. But to call my mother in London. I want to tell her that I love her and that I miss her. She has no idea everything that I’ve been through these last weeks and I don’t want her to be upset by letting her know.

  I pick up the phone and dial her number. She picks up right away and is delighted to hear my voice.

  “Hello, mum”

  “Hello babe, how’s everything going?”

  “Yeah, alright. You?”

  “Alright? Just alright?”

  I love how mother’s have this ability to put their children's happiness above their own. Mother completely ignored the fact that I asked her about how things are going for her.

  “Mmmm,” I say, “Been better.”

  “Why?”

  “Just people…”

  “Oh no, people you work with?”

  “Well, yeah, actually.”

  “Fixable?”

  I pause for a moment.

  “Probably not…”

  “Are you happy otherwise?”

  I think about this for a moment too, God mum, asking all the right questions. Honestly, I don’t think I am, I think it just took you coming into my life to show me that.

  “Yes.” I say, lying, I don’t want her to worry. I want to prove to mum that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

  “Hmm,” I can tell she’s probably not so convinced. “When are you coming for a visit?”

  “I haven’t booked it yet… but probably sooner rather than later?”

  “That would be lovely, I’ll be so happy to see you, just let me know the dates.”

  I think about being back in London and suddenly I feel so happy. I’ll be so far away from you and I’ll be in the place I’m from, surrounded by family. I miss London.

  “I’ll book it really soon, definitely.”

  I think about booking it so that I leave tomorrow but that’s just silly of me. I want to, so badly, but I restrain myself, I need to prove to myself that I do have restraint.

  “How are you anyway? How’s dad? How’s the cat?”

  “Good, good, everyone’s good. We have booked the renovations for the cupboards in the back bedroom, we decided to go with dark in the end, despite what your father thinks haha, so that’s exciting. Charlie starts school soon so Debbie and Reece are getting prepared for that. Lily graduates in a few weeks. Lots of exciting things are happening. Everyone’s asking for you.”

  “I miss everyone.”

  “Aww honey, we all miss you too.”

  I wrap up the phone conversation. And am left to myself. I sit down on the couch, chewing my fingernails. I know it’s probably the shock speaking, but all I want is to be far far away from here. The idea of just getting on the next plane and never returning seems to soothe my anxiety. My phone vibrates furiously. It’s you, you’re calling me. I press the big red key. Two minutes later you’re buzzing me again. I reject. And then you call me a third time. I don’t answer but I do send you a text message.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you some kind of psychopath?”

  “Please, I can’t do this with you right now Gerry.”

  “Stop calling me, stop texting me, don’t even talk to me at work. I never want anything to do with you again. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life.”

  There is a few minutes of silence now. I almost develop a feeling of regret at the last message I sent. Maybe it was too over the top.

  Then comes your reply.

  “Okay,” you say, “if that is what you wish.”

  My anger dies down again. I don’t know if that’s what I do wish, but I’m not going back on my own promises to myself this time.

  My love for you is already tainted and fading away, I can’t handle the burden of taking anymore of your shit on board, it’s not good for me, I love you, but I can’t wait around forever, I have my own needs to take care of.

  I’m almost hurt that it’s that easy for you to give up on me, but at the same time, I can’t expect you to come back time and time again, even after I push you away. You have to respect what I want, even if it’s not what you want. I don’t know which idea sounds like it’s lending me the most amount of respect. I want you to fight for me, but I also know I’m not going to give in, not this time. So it’s best that you just let it go. I begin to cry again.

  I can’t pretend it’s possible to bring us back to life now, too much has happened on this rollercoaster ride. I’m in pain, alone, and you’re proba
bly making love to your girlfriend. Your beautiful, effortlessly loveable girlfriend and once again I am screwed over.

  It’s a monsoon outside. Everything seems to be clicking into place perfectly right now. The only thing missing is a fucking black out. I just want out of here. This whole, breaking up with but not breaking up with you, thing really has made me open my eyes to the fact that deep down this place has never really felt like home to me. I throw my hands in the air. I’m not going to give up just yet though. I want to talk to Rory, I want to talk to Tripp but I can’t. As much as you’ve severely injured me, I have to respect you. I still love you, and I always will. I’m going to give myself some time to calm down and to heal and if I’m still not ready to be here then I’m going to go, go somewhere far, far away, forever.

  18

  I don’t have work for a few days now. I managed to score four days off together which is unusual but amazing. Tripp and I have the first day off together. We decide to head off early and head into Galway. The trip covers a fairly decent space of time. It’s not awkward in the car ride together. We talk a load of shit about good times and bitch about Aaron. We don’t like Aaron. No one likes Aaron. Aaron seems to like me quite a bit though because I am always favorited by him. Toni never really liked me so I always had problems with getting decent shifts or getting roles I was happy with. I never really figured out what her problem with me was. I mean, I’m a bit messy and if I’m in a shitty mood then the customer definitely hears about it. Otherwise I’m a pretty good worker. I’ve been working at O’Byrne’s for half the fucking lifetime of the place so looking back it’s funny to think I never really made it far up the ladder in the place. I shouldn’t really bitch about Aaron behind his back, he’s a lovely guy, outside of work, a bit quirky, a bit weird. He’s never really asked me if I’ve wanted to hang out with him either which I found a bit weird. I think he has a bit of a favouritism streak when it comes to me though. We are both gay and I guess well, we all look out for each other at the end of the day. I shouldn’t be such a cunt about him, he’s pretty alright.