To Make Love With Your Eyes Closed Page 9

  You’re an arsehole. I wonder if you wanted that as much as me but stopped because you’re just nervous. You probably have no idea what you’re doing. For a moment there I felt the same way I did when it was my first time too. What kind of magic spell have you placed on me?

  I get up and try to act natural. Like you haven’t completely just fucked me up completely in the last ten minutes or so. I pick up the phone and look at you watching me seductively from the couch. I call a taxi and hang up the phone. I sit down on your lap again.

  “You’re an arsehole,” I say out loud.

  You look deep into my eyes and scroll your hand behind my head. You laugh. I hear a car horn go off outside and the taxi is here.

  “I guess this is us.” I say in whisper.

  “Yep,” you whisper back.

  We both get up, kiss one more time, head downstairs and hop into the taxi.

  “The George.” I say and before you know it, you are one step further down a path that this time a month ago you would never have seen coming.

  15

  I’m really worried that this whole ‘experiencing gay life’ thing is a sign that you’re not reliable with your feelings. It’s just like dating an eighteen year old. I know I should walk away. Well, in saying that, I think it’s fairly obvious that your identity complications are the first sign that I should have walked away. This is just another one.

  You look happy, your face is down, texting someone or tweeting some boring bullshit. Maybe it’s her. I forgot she still exists again. I do that quite a bit. I like to shield myself from that dropping feeling deep inside.

  The cab pulls up outside The George and we walk up to the line. You don’t hold my hand, I don’t expect you to. I think this is really confronting for you. It was for me the first time too. After we’re inside you literally only take a few steps before pausing. You’re mesmerised by this place, by the people. It’s like a different world, I know that it’s quite overwhelming too.

  We head on over to the bar. A beautiful looking shirtless man, not much older than myself, with a well defined set of abs gives you a glance up and down at the counter. You don’t notice. But I do. I give him the evils and hug onto your arm. Oh god, I hate this. I’m scared that I’ve broken your first line of defence and now your eyes are opened to all of the possibilities out there.

  At the bar we are served by a Greek looking man wearing angel wings, covered in glitter. I know I’m at least more attractive than him so it doesn’t phase me if he thinks you’re hot too.

  I want a smoke. I used to smoke one or two a day at most, but with you it’s a packet a day.

  We head outside and there’s a drag show on. I roll my eyes. You look at me like you’re disinterested in it, I don’t know if you are or if you’re just trying to make me feel good. I sit down on the bench outside. I try to hide the fact that I don’t want to be here but I just want to make you happy. We sit down for about half an hour, you’re bobbing your head to the music. A really buff guy checks you out. I look away. You look at me and grab my hand. I don’t think you want to be here anymore.

  “Come on,” you say, “let’s get out of here.”

  “No, you want to be here, come on,” I grab your hand and pull you down next to me. “Stay.”

  “No.” You say sincerely. “Let’s go.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Theres a few minutes of silence while a conversation takes place only between our eyes. I get up. Together we leave the club. We quickly migrate out the front and down the street.

  You wrap your arm around me and we walk together down the street.

  “Let’s get a cab.” You say and kiss me on the forehead.“Oi faggots!”

  My heart stops. This is not what we need right now. This cannot be happening.

  I turn around and three grown men are running down the street. They’re laughing and yelling. This is a nightmare. You freeze. You grasp my hand tight. I’m terrified.

  The first guy smacks me across the face, hard, knocking me to the floor. It’s not how I expect it to feel. It’s like being smacked around the back of the head by a huge wooden log. You almost don’t know what’s just hit you. You feel numb. Your ears are buzzing. It takes a couple of minutes to understand what’s just happened. And when you do, that’s when the pain sinks in. Then the adrenaline sizzles through your body.

  I try to get up but I can’t. I’m being kicked repetitively in the stomach. My eyes slowly close and I can hear you fighting them away. I think you’re getting a few good punches in. I can feel the blood gush down my face. Everything is numb. I’m not feeling pain. But I can’t move.

  “Come on,” I hear and you grab me by the arm and launch me up off the ground.

  “You’re fucking dead, fucking faggots.”

  I can feel us being spat on. You launch your fist around. I’m surprised by how strong and aggressive you are, but I like it.

  You launch me over your shoulder. Your tense and sore. I can feel your pain. I feel guilty. I feel sick. I don’t know what I’ve done. This is my fault. This is a nightmare. I don’t know whether it’s tears or blood rushing down my cheeks. You yell at me to stop it and we hop into the main street. You pull us over a taxi and I lay down over the back seat. You’re discussing something with the taxi driver. He sounds worried. I have no idea what’s going on. I feel the car pull away. I feel slightly safer. The car comes to a stop and I hear you go to pay the driver. He offers you a discount. You give him a pat on the back and thank him. You carry me out of the car and we make our way upstairs to my apartment. I slowly come to and let you in. There are no words exchanged between us. You start running the tap and come over and wipe a cloth all over my face.

  “There you go,” you say cleaning me up.

  “I’m sorry,” I say weakly.

  “For what?”

  “For all of this, it’s all my fault.”

  “Just, shhhh.”

  You’ve cleaned me up. I’m looking into your eyes. Slowly you wrap your hand around the back of my head and pull me in for another kiss. I feel my entire body heat up with the energy of what feels like a galaxy full of stars. I place my hands over your beating heart. I can feel it, rise and slow, rise and slow. Our kiss is beautiful, it’s love, it feels like love, it feels like a true connection. I lean back and take off your jacket. I’m thinking about how you’re going to react to this. I take a second. Leaning back. I’m okay if you pull away, I’m not frustrated.

  But men are men. You don’t pull away. You’re turned on more. Once that testosterone is travelling away no force on Earth is going to stop it. Not the head nor heart. You tear my shirt over my head. I push you down into the sofa. We kiss, for a few minutes before I pause. Hovering over your head. I look deep into your eyes and smile. You smile back. I grab you by the hand and guide you to the bedroom. You walk slowly, you must be nervous. We stand at the door, just kissing for a minute or two. Your kisses aren’t as passionate as before, you’re definitely scared. Well shit, of course you’re terrified, you have no idea what’s about to happen.

  I whisper in your ear, “you have nothing to be afraid of, I’ll take care of everything.” Then I feel you smile. Not see you smile, feel you smile.

  You push me down on the bed. I feel like I’m so ready for this, but at the same time I feel like I’m not. Sex is usually quite basic but, you standing there, in front of me, is overwhelming me to the point of sickness.

  You’re all I’ve ever wanted.

  You just have to look at me in the eye and I’m turned on. You stand there, smiling, I don’t know whether you think this moment is romantic or just platonic and shared nirvana, obviously in an intimate regard. You roll down on top of me and I begin to undress the rest of you. Once you’re lying there in your underwear I begin my act. You’re so hot. Once I feel like I’ve done my part you tear the rest of my clothes off. Before I begin I look into your eyes again, pausing, almost asking if you’re sure. You bite your lip, and that’s my sign to begin.<
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  For once, there is no pain, none, well, some, but not bad pain. I feel so full of passionate, sexual energy that even the pain seems to feel like it’s adding to how good I feel right now. Something incredible is happening. As this whole body to body encounter is taking place I feel something supernatural occur within me. I feel no longer like we are two separate entity’s, I now feel like the two of us have combined into one.

  I can’t explain it any other way… it’s pretty fucking weird I know and It’s freaking me out.

  I can feel everything, I feel your toes curl, I feel your spine, I feel you shiver, I feel your breathing, I feel your blood pressure rise and fall.

  I don’t want to show you that I’m feeling all of these things though. You’re having such a good time in your first experience, and you seem to know exactly what you’re doing, I’m not going to ruin this for you.

  The sex lasts a lot longer than I predicted it would. But once it’s done, my god, I swear there will never again be anything like it with anyone else ever again.

  I’m lying down next to you, looking into your eyes. We’re done, but I’m still horny as hell. You make me feel that way. I feel like we could be at it all night and I would still have energy for more with you.

  “I know this is your first time, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself, nor do I want to give you a big head, but…” I look at you, you’re already grinning and laughing. You’re an arsehole. I laugh. “Well, I was saying that I think that you’re the best I’ve ever had.”

  You laugh and kiss me on my open mouth.

  “I agree, you were the best I ever had.”

  “You’re just saying that,” I say, pushing against your naked chest.

  “No, no, I mean it, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m in love with you.”

  You suddenly look horrified. Your eyes widen, your breath pauses. You’re thinking that you should not have just said that. I know you are. But honestly, you saying that has heightened that energetic feeling inside of me to a whole new level that not even sex just did.

  “What did you just say?” I ask, in a state of shock.

  “Nothing.”

  “No, you just said, you just told me, that, you’re in love with me.”

  “Yeah… I guess I’m a bit of an idiot, amn’t I.”

  “Well, then so am I, because I have never about anyone, felt the way I feel about you.”

  You pause and stroke your finger on the bed set. You’re either thinking of the right thing to say, or already know it and don’t want to share it.

  “Look, I’m the furthest thing away from a believer in…” you wipe your hand over your face, pulling back your eyes, “I must be out of my mind!” You look back at me. “But is it possible that we are, like, soulmates, or some shit, because I just felt something with you that I never thought was possible to feel, ever, with anyone.”

  “I think so Thomas…”

  “So, you believe in soulmates?”

  I feel like I can read every inch of feeling you are experiencing. I can see your body fluctuating with an energy full of nerves and insecurity. I can hear your stomach churning and making you feel like throwing up, but at the same time I can hear the words running miles around your head: maybe gay me is not worth any less than straight me.

  “I believe we have lots of soulmates, yes.”

  “Lots of soulmates?”

  “Lots of souls connect with each other for different reasons, for different lessons.”

  “… And I can genuinely say that I’ve never had feelings for boys before, before you, and now you’re eyes have opened me up to a world I can’t even take a step in because I’m so terrified of what’s within me.”

  “Don’t be, you know I’m here to help you.”

  You smile.

  “But if you want my help, then there’s one thing I need from you first.”

  “I know…”

  “I said none of this would even happen until you took care of where you stand with your girlfriend, but once again you have managed to seduce me… We’re in a whole lot of trouble…”

  We both laugh, and you hit a pillow over my head.

  “Okay, a laugh is a laugh, but seriously, you need to do something about it, I swear on my life this is the last time.”

  “Is it?” You say with a smirk. “Or is THIS it?”

  You pull back the sheets and begin to go down on me.

  “I meAN IT” I say, my voice groaning with pleasure.

  I pull your head up to face mine.

  “God that felt good”, I think, stopping for a pause.

  “Promise me that you’ll sort it out tomorrow.”

  “I promise!”

  “Okay.”

  “But… I can’t promise that I’m ready to tell her why, or, anyone else…”

  You’re a little nervous, but it’s okay, I’ve been in your shoes.

  “You don’t have to, you’ll slowly become comfortable with all of this yourself in time.”

  I release you. I have the worlds shittest feeling not only about being someone’s ‘thing on the side’ but also in openly assisting in one man cheat on his partner. I really really love you but there’s only so much my conscience can handle.

  I trust you to make the right decision, and I know that your feelings for me are, without a doubt, as strong as mine are, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this is all just one big disaster that is one breeze of wind away from crashing to the floor in a puddle of blood and tears.

  16

  I leave you asleep in my bed as I get up and leave for work in the morning. I leave you a key to lock the door and a post-it saying I’m off to work and will be home around three. I probably shouldn’t trust you this much seeing as I’ve not long known you but I feel comfortable enough to let you into my home and to lock it up securely. And I also seem to feel like I’ve known you my entire life, despite the fact that is clearly untrue.

  “You look extra cheerful today Mr. Davis,” says Aaron without looking up from his paperwork scattered across the worktop.

  “Thank you?” I say suspiciously.

  “How’s the boy drama’s going? Any luck?”

  “Haha, perfect thanks, everything is going well!”

  “Yes, you definitely seem like you’re in a better mood these days, every day I should say, let’s hope it keeps up.”

  “Thanks Aaron.” I say with a big smile.

  He retreats back into the office. Presumably for the rest of the day.

  As the doors open for the first time this morning Byron hobbles inside.

  “Byron!” I cry out, “how are ya?”

  “I’m good Gerry, how are you?”

  “Yeah I’m good! Everything’s going really well!”

  “Oh really?” he asks looking sincere. “I am so pleased. I am so pleased that you are being so blessed right now.”

  “Thank you Byron that means a lot.”

  “Work going well for you?”

  “Yes, there is that… But there’s also something else,” I say biting my lip.

  “I’m seeing someone, someone amazing!”

  “Oh wow. That’s so great. Now you take care of yourself okay?”

  It’s so sweet of this old man to treat me like one of his own. I am in true awe of his compassion. Byron is a personal inspiration of mine, he is always so positive and happy about life even in it’s darkest moments. Byron and I have shared many a moment over a beer or two discussing some of his own personal battles. It really means a lot to a person to have a caring ear in a dark and troublesome time.

  “Dating someone?” I barely noticed that Tripp was on shift today.

  “Haha, yes I am.” I say now, unable to take back the fact that I have just shot myself in the foot and spilt the beans.

  “And it’s a secret from your best friends because?”

  “Well, I don’t know I just was never ready to tell anyone… I didn’t know it was serious.”

  “Until toda
y?”

  “Well, yeah, actually, but still, I don’t want to discuss it.”

  “It’s not that bloody Duncan boy is it?”

  “No…”

  “So it’s someone we know?”

  “No, it’s not that either.”

  I flinch internally at the fact that I’ve just told a lie. I hate it. I really hate doing that.

  “So when are you planning on letting Tripp and I know?”

  “Soon, I promise, you’ll be the first to know.”

  “After the old village man?”

  I look at him with a lowered eyebrow.

  “Look I’m sorry I’m just not ready to go around gallivanting that I’m seeing someone until I know I have permission to do so!”

  “Permission, like it’s a secret?”

  “No… permission, like it’s something or it’s nothing.”

  “Look, it’s all good, it’s your life, and I’m not going to pry, if you don’t want to tell us things-“

  “It’s not that!”

  “- then that’s cool, but don’t forget that we are supposed to be your best friends.”

  “I know…”

  “I just find it odd that you made such a huge deal the other night about how you were so happy that you were single and now you’re advocating for a new relationship that has somehow just materialised out of nowhere? The secrecy is what makes it a big deal. I’m sure that it’s actually nothing deep down, but you’re making it into something haha.” He takes a second and looks at the closed office door. He nods at me with question.

  “No!” I scream before looking around and lowering my voice again. “It’s not him!”

  “Oh yeah he's dating some other guy isn’t he.”

  “Now I feel really shit. I haven’t left you long in the bed, maybe an hour or two tops but I’m really hoping it’s still on your agenda to get your ass out of bed and break up with Grace!

  Tripp mostly avoids me this morning. I don’t get many words in. He’s not being rude to me but I can tell his ego is shaken because I haven’t given him what he wants. Well, there’s that, or there’s the possibility that he’s decided to break up with Casey because I have inspired him to.