To Make Love With Your Eyes Closed Page 11

  Tripp doesn’t bring up the whole dating thing again, which I like. I really really really don’t want to go down that route today. I have four days where I can get my head around all of the things that have happened. Four days. It’s a lot, but it’s also a little. I know the second I walk through that door I’ll be back to square one and that thought fucking terrifies me. I’m sure Tripp can tell that I am forcing a smile for the majority of this ride, he’s probably ignoring that, either out of awkwardness or sensibility I’m not sure.

  “How’s Casey going?” I ask.

  “Yeah she’s alright, you know, actually.” He stops talking, just continues to stare out the window ahead.

  “… yeah?” I say as if it’s a normal thing for him to stop half way through a sentence.

  “Ummm, there’s something I want to tell you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I bought a ring.”

  “You, bought a ring?”

  “Yeah, but it’s a secret, only you know okay!”

  I’m a little shocked, this boy and his mrs have the most bipolar relationship in the entire world and the majority of the time I feel like I’m just waiting for it to crumble apart, but he’s my best friend and whatever makes him happy I am supportive of.

  “That’s so exciting Tripp! I’m so happy for you!”

  “Thanks, yeah, it’s, on loan… so now I am definitely up shit creek when it comes to money haha.”

  He’s always been the biggest spender out of the three of us. Always low on cash because he’s spent it on… well, I never know really. That’s a good point. Tripp doesn’t really own the nicest nor most expensive of things, he never goes on holiday, his rent is cheap and he works as much as I do. Oh well, it’s his life.

  “So, what’s the plan? When are you going to do it?”

  I suddenly remember about the other night and how I could have sworn he was just about to break it off with her, but I keep my mouth closed and smiling.

  “Well, we both have this holiday planned together at the beginning of next year to Rome, what better way huh?”

  “Sounds perfect… She’s gonna love it.”

  I look back out the front window. I wonder if anyone will ever get down on one knee in front of me. That’s looking so unlikely right now. Not only is the referendum looking wobbly, but also the only man I think I will ever want to be with in this life is off with someone else. The fucking idiot. Great. Now I’m thinking about him again, this is exactly what I didn’t want.

  My face is crooked with a scowl.

  “What’s wrong?” Asks Tripp.

  “Nothing! Just, this rain, pretty heavy, and the clouds aren’t looking so good.”

  “Yeah, we’ll be right once we’re in town and having a few beers.”

  “Yer,”

  When we get to Galway the rain has stopped, but we are only just down the main street before it starts to spit again. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to Irish weather.

  There’s not much to do in Galway, it’s more of a town that’s great for the views and a night full of craic. We take a stroll down the streets and Tripp heads in to his favourite tattoo store; Inkfingers. He’s had an appointment booked here for the last week and a half and is over the moon about it. Tripp has never had a tattoo before. He’s such a baby. He looks like one anyway. He has these big balloon cheeks and innocent eyes. He pulls of the image so well, but most people don’t know the shit that boy gets up to in his spare time haha.

  For his first tattoo he’s chosen to get a lion across the back of his right shoulder blade. The lion is made out of flames and roaring with power. It’s such a majestic beast. Wrapped around the eyes of the lion is a purple blind fold. I asked him what it all means on the way here actually. The lion represents courage and the fire links it in with the symbolism of Leo. Not only that but also is this tattoo a solid reminder of his own personal power that he quite often forget he owns. The purple blindfold, purple being the symbolic colour of heraldry, has been added to tie in the idea of going into a situation blindly, without understanding the outcome, but being brave in the ability to do so regardless.

  He’s given the tattoo a lot of thought, I’m quite jealous of it. All of my tattoos aren’t as well planned out as his. You can usually tell what they are depicting. I have quite a few now. Eighteen in total. I want more. Lots more. And each one reflects something about my beliefs in this lifetime whether it’s faith in God, an interdependent relationship with nature or just a symbol of true faith in everything working out for the best. I could detail them all for you now but that’s just a waste of time. A lot of people don’t like my tattoos and that’s okay, because I do. No matter how old I get the meanings will always be true for me. The truth is always the truth no matter if people choose to believe it or live in denial.

  After his tattoo is done we get a bite to eat. And by bite, I mean bite. Tripp has a sandwich, I have a packet of chips. Tripp thinks it’s stupid of us to eat when we are about to have a night full of craic.

  We start our night out early, five in the evening to be near enough precise. We have a few drinks at The Kings Head. It’s the best, there’s a live trad band playing and a dance floor full of bucks night members. I’m secretly checking them all out. Subtly. I don’t want Tripp to notice haha.

  They’re all pretty good looking, but none of them are you…

  As my third Bulmer’s begins to settle in my mood deteriorates. I really miss you, I really want to be with you right now, but I’m making a promise to myself to stick to my guns!

  Once the night has really got going we head on over to The Quays. That’s where the real party begins.

  I thought I was drunk but Tripp is something else. I struggle to keep up with him! He’s wobbling all around the top floor and asks me to hold his drink for him several times as he goes to the bathroom.

  I have one more Bulmer’s and we both head down stairs. There’s a couple of free stools and so we plop ourselves down there. We cheers each other and enjoy the local band. They do the usual Galway Girl & Irish Rover then ask for requests.

  Tripp & I scream at the top of our lungs, “Mumford & Sons, Mumford & Sons!”

  If you haven’t picked it up by this stage, I’m kind of obsessed haha.

  The band take no notice of us. They do Wonderwall instead which is pretty cool too. We have a lot of craic singing along to that one with the rest of the bar.

  Then they do Little Lion Man and Tripp & I lose our shit. We go mental belting out that song haha! It gets to the very last verse though and someone decides it’s the end of our night - in the worst way possible.

  He’s singing, really really loud, and then just vomits. All over the floor. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why but we are immediately removed from the venue. It’s pretty funny though. I’m not mad. Most people don’t even notice. But the bar man did. I guess it was nearly time to head to bed anyway. I was tired, but I always want to go home early so…

  We have both booked rooms at The Travel Lodge which is a good fifteen-twenty minute walk from here. I don’t know how I’m going to get him back when he is this fucked. I consider a taxi but I know neither of us can really afford it. I am suddenly aware of my own drunkenness. Not because I can’t walk, but because my heart is sinking and again I’m thinking of you. I’m smiling but I think I’m dying inside. I’m trying not to drag my feet because I know I need to be the adult here. I don’t want Tripp to see that secretly I’m up shit creek. I look at him. Naaah, he wouldn’t even notice anyway, he’s off his face.

  I begin to just cry my eyes out again. I promised myself I would never cry over the same reason twice but you have seriously fucked me up and there is no salvation from this. Tripp is drunk but he’s still trying to calm me down.

  “Hey, hey, shhhh,” he says, rubbing my face. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to help but I appreciate the sentiment. “Stop crying,” he says before semi-passing out with his arm around my shoulder.

  I g
iggle. I’m still crying, but I giggle.

  I whip out my phone, I know I’m going to regret this in the morning. I get it going, even drunk I manage to skim out your number. I find your contact details and hit the button. I’m limping down the street, crying my eyes out, drunk, with a fully grown man over my shoulder, what else could make this more of a mess right now? It dials out a few times and there’s no answer. I look at the time and it’s almost three. Shit. Your answer machine comes up asking me to leave a message after the beep. I hit the red button then go to my contacts and find your name again. I click edit, then delete. That way I can never make that fucking mistake again. What the hell was going through my mind? How am I supposed to get over you when I won’t even let myself? I am my own worst enemy.

  I honestly just wish you knew how much all of this was killing me. Maybe you would throw me some rope, maybe you would just be with me, runaway with me, to somewhere no one knows our names.

  Somehow I manage to get us both back to The Travel Lodge in one piece. Tripp owes me one, big time! I’ve stopped crying by the time the reception light hits my head. I get Tripp safely to his room and wake him up at his door.

  He’s on his own for the whole, going to sleep part.

  Then I head off to my room. I feel so shit. I just feel like I am embodied with sadness.

  How on Earth did I think it would be this easy to get over you? I turn out the light and cry for a little longer before I hear a whisper somewhere in my head telling me to go to sleep, and from that point on I am out like a log.

  19

  I wake up the next day feeling beside myself shitty. I mean, I should have expected this, it almost looked like I was genuinely trying to kill myself with alcohol last night. I groan loudly and roll over. It’s only half past eight. There’s a message from Tripp there on my phone.

  “What the fuck happened last night?!”

  “Send help,” I reply, “slowly dying,” followed by an emoticon in tears.

  “I’m still drunk! Can’t walk. Head pounding… If you’re dying can you kill me first?”

  “Haha nooooo, you have to drive us all the way home!”

  “We are so fucked… haha. Going for breakfast soon?”

  “Yer, meet in ten?”

  He sends back a thumbs up. I sit up on my bed. Oh Jesus I think the world is about to implode, or at least I hope it is, maybe this pain will cease!

  I pull together my bits and pieces and stumble into the elevator. We meet up in the breakfast room and just give each other the same tired expression. We have our breakfast cereals without saying a lot and then make our way outside. I pause in the reception for a moment and look over the brochures.

  “Tripp, you have work this afternoon don’t you?”

  “Yeah, why’s that?”

  I pick up a pamphlet and stare at the cover intently.

  Tripp looks over my shoulder. “The Aran Islands?”

  “Yeah, I’ve never been, I wish we could -“ I stop and remain in a moment of thought.

  “We have to head back now so I can get to work on time otherwise…”

  “I, really want to go, I think it would be good, nice, I’ve always wanted to go, and I don’t have work for a few days…”

  “You want to stay here?”

  “Sure.” I say not really thinking it through. Call it guided sense or intuition or whatever, but I just had a feeling that I should go to this island today.

  So after a few words are exchanged, Tripp heads off and I wave him goodbye at the front of the building. I book myself into the bus and ferry from reception. The French guy at the front seems to make a big image out of the fact that I’m quite lucky to have a spot considering I’ve booked on the same day as I intend on leaving.

  I wait around in the lobby for two hours. Two hours isn’t too hard to kill these days with a Facebook account and a playlist full of amazing jams. Before I know it I’m on that long ass bus trip to the ferry.

  I’m starting to feel better in no time. Really. But I’m also really really tired. It’s raining hard today. The bus driver laughs about how he thinks it’s better us than him that’s going out on the ferry on a day like this. I’m not amused.

  The bus pulls up at the ferry quay. We are sitting there, in the cold for at least 20 minutes. I’m enjoying my collection of Boyzone songs so I’m not really too fussed. In stillness I realised how shit I really do feel and how I’m more than likely going to vomit on this boat ride.

  Eventually we are escorted off the bus and are running through the rain and into the ferry. We are handed a bunch of flyers about renting bikes and whatever on the island. I don’t know a lot about Aran so I take little notice of them.

  I take a seat at the far back of the ferry. I’m wrapped up nice and warm with my rain jacket on but you can still see my cold breath in the air. I love it when that happens. I feel like a dragon.

  I’m happy this morning despite how physically shit I feel. I feel good to be doing something that I want to be doing for myself without any restraint or care of what someone else is doing. I feel a little tingle of pride in my bones.

  The ferry takes off and I barely even notice. I’m so lost in my music and sleepiness that I for a few moments in time forget where I am and where I’m going. The sleep takes over and suddenly my eyes are closing. After some time I’m wide awake again and have a red-haired young girl pushing at me to let her out of the aisle. I get up and watch her race to the door behind us, pushing it wide open. She stands on the barrier and looks out into the horizon. I notice the beautiful view and get up myself. It’s hard to keep yourself balanced back here but my God is it stunning. The water is a crystal colour and the sky seems to be acting quite joyfully today. This girl and I are standing outside for some time. She makes conversation with me. She’s from Australia and is out here on holiday with her best friend. She didn’t think she would really get sea sick but she is. I thought I would be feeling the sea sickness but I’m not. Funny how that works.

  I immediately notice a huge splash not far away from the boat and scream out in the glee. Dolphins. There’s a dolphin swimming not far from us! It’s truly amazing! It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I really don’t think that I have seen dolphins out in their natural habitat like this before! It brings a huge smile to my face. I scream out.

  “Dolphins! Dolphins!” And three other tourists are soon by my side. They have their cameras ready to take photos. I decide to use up the last of my 30% of battery my turning on the camera and filming the whole thing. A second dolphin joins and soon the pair are leaping out of the water towards the island. A few more people race in to see some of the action but are too late. I show them my video though, sourcing a thrive of jealousy amongst the crowd.

  We all resume our seats as the ferry approaches land. There’s a massive bang and everyone on board looks at each other, wondering if we are about to become the next Titanic or not. Nothing becomes of it though.

  It takes a while to shepherd everyone on board out. Most of the passengers are from Contiki or Shamrock Adventures. I manage to skip the crowd and head off by myself. The downpour here is absolutely awful.

  On the island you get off the ferry and you walk past the shed where you hire the bikes. Looking back it was probably a good idea to get one of those, but I didn’t end up doing that. Then, if you are determined not to get a bike you have to pass about five different vans with men outside telling you you’re mad to walk the roads alone and will definitely get your money’s worth with a guided tour. I ignore them. I do what I want.

  I head up the hill and immediately fill my cheeks with Supermac. It feels so good to eat again! After I’m bloated like a pig and feeling greasy like an oven I continue on up the hill. The first street in my path is filled with cute little cottage houses. I wonder if people still live in them. I have my iPhone on still, there’s not much battery left. I’ve put airplane mode on and turned the brightness down as low as it will go, that usually does the trick.
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br />   I’m listening to OneRepublic now. Their Native album has a lot of songs about really living life that I’m really feeling today.

  I go off the path again when I find a nice clearing. It goes up the hill, turns into an area with tall grass then runs off into a huge formation with colossal boulders everywhere. It’s incredible. I feel twelve again, racing all over them and hopping from rock to rock. The sky is a glorious blue and the grass is a glowing green. I suddenly feel on top of the world.

  After running around like a child for twenty minutes or so I climb back (to the questionable faces of three very judging cows).

  I follow the road a lot longer and take in the views. There’s crumbling buildings, open fields, adorable little cobblestone walls and hundreds of cows. This place is adorable! It’s the best place to heal if ever there were such a place.

  I’m wandering around for a long time. The road to the cliffs is a really long road. My attention span forces me to turn around. I pick one of the hundreds of little grass roads to go down to my right and follow the maze of cobblestone walls, mooed at constantly by cows of all sizes. I turn one corner and it gives me the most breathtaking view of the ocean. I stop and climb up onto a bank and take in the view.

  I turn down my music and just think, breathe and think. I think about you and I think about all of the ways you have truly tortured my soul. Then I think about all of the things in my life that happened before you. I think about how no one has ever treated me with an inch of respect, and then it hits me, I am one of those people. I feel something stab me internally. I feel a pain, a sensation, a feeling I have never experienced before. I feel like for all of this time my heart has been wrapped in a steel frame and suddenly a needle has forged it’s way inside and touched something I forgot how it felt to be touched. I feel a sense of relief, and then I just start crying again. I tell myself it’s not over you, I can’t cry over you, I promised myself that I would only ever cry over you the once and then never again. So I’m not crying over you. I’m crying over me. I’m crying over the piece of my soul that I lost when I was fourteen, and I cry over trying to find my way. I cry about the fact that I completely shut myself away and became someone I’m not in order to feel like I belonged. And even doing that didn’t seem to work… I cry because it’s time for me to release my pain. I cry because I have just realised I am in control, and I can turn this all around before it’s too late. I don’t want to be here anymore… this has nothing to do with you Thomas, this is all about me.