To Make Love With Your Eyes Closed Read online

  I stop crying and feel a warm sensation graze across my skin. The sun comes out from behind the clouds and a smile creeps across my face again. Just like a bi-polar mad man I hop down from the bank and continue on my way in a good mood again.

  Clearly I am attempting to rid myself of your toxins, and this crazy act of bi-polar attitude is just how it’s done. I decide to suck it up. I decide I have one last sacrifice to make in order to become happy, and that’s to dig my way out of this hole. I smile knowing that once you’re gone, I’ll never again feel this way about you. It hits me that I’m thinking about you again and I stop it.

  I switch to Mumford & Sons and rock out on the way down to the coastline. My mood changes several more times on the way back to the ferry. One minute I’m excited for the future and happy to be here. The next I couldn’t be more depressed, I’m angry, I’m full of hatred and I hate my life. Then I’m positive and excited and thinking about all of the ways I can rebuild and make myself happy again.

  I don’t know if I have a serious mental condition, or if I’m just being human.

  20

  I arrive back into port an hour or so earlier than the ferry is going to depart. I guess I didn’t plan that out so well. I probably could have made it all the way out to the cliffs and still had gotten back on time. Oh well, next time I guess.

  I drift through the couple of stores they have to offer here. Nothing jumps at me but I do enjoy reading the pin up boards about the history of the Aran people. I decide that I have more than enough time to wander in another direction. I’m so bored by this stage.

  I walk down the back of the port village and before long the road ends with a hotel or hostel of some sort. I have absolutely no idea why someone would come and stay here over night but each to their own.

  I turn back and decide to go up the hill to get back this time. On this particular path there’s a beautifully well preserved old church. The gate is wide open. I don’t know why, I don’t know how but I was drawn in. Like a magnet. I’m a firm believer in God and in Jesus Christ but I had always stayed well away from institutions and organisations. My faith was derived from my own experience not some old, greying man preaching at the front of a hall. But I can’t put into words what just happened. I had no intention of going in this church. I didn’t go in out of boredom or curiosity I was just… drawn in. It was insane. Anyway, I make my way through the open gate and pause at the entrance. There’s a bowl of holy water and a community noticeboard which I briefly skim over. I then take a step towards the glass doors and push them open. No one is inside. Then it happened. I’ve seen and experienced a lot of creepy shit in my life but what happened inside this church probably took the cake for me… I was standing at the entrance. Crying. Not just with little teardrops. I was crying out in pain. I couldn’t stop. I don’t know how the fuck I did it. I wasn’t even in a shitty mood before I walked in. It was so messed up! I was bawling my eyes out. Loud too. I must have sounded like a cow that had been shot in the leg and left to die, slowly and painfully.

  Do you know when you’re really upset and you manage to hold it together until someone points out that you’re not fine? That’s exactly the feeling I had inside of me today. I felt like I had just walked into a room where a friend stood, a friend with comforting smile and opening arms, a friend who said softly to me with a smile, “it’s okay.”

  I don’t know what you believe in, I don’t know if you think I’m off my rocker or if you think I was just trying to search for meaning in madness but I really believe that what I experienced was a message from God.

  I wiped my eyes and went and sat in the front line. I usually make jokes about people that come to places like this. Ironic that I am here now, crying and begging for God to help me. I lean forward, still crying, with my hands closed in prayer. I’m looking at the alter and I am just bawling my eyes out without end.

  “Dear God,” I begin, I’ve never done this before, but the way I know almost exactly what to say would lead you to believe otherwise, “I’m sorry for whatever I have done in this life or another to deserve this karmic relationship, I’m sorry if this is nature balancing itself out for the way that I have hurt someone else, I want to apologise for every wrong I have ever done. But I need to know exactly why I’m on this road. Why do I feel like you have forsaken me God? Why do I feel like I am in so much pain? Why am I so very alone?” I cry and I cry and I remain where I am. I feel a comfort wave over me, a comfort that asks me to stop crying, to calm down and to stop the blaming. I slow down with my crying, I’m too stubborn to come to a complete halt. Then I begin again. “God please, I beg of you to help me, I can no longer carry this burden, it’s not fair, I don’t deserve this, please, untangle me from this toxic bind that I have created with this man. I take full responsibility for it’s inception but now I’m asking for your help. Please God, please Michael, please release me from this chord.”

  (Archangel Michael is the angel of the protection and is often associated with assisting those in need with severing toxic chords that spear through from the root chakra right up to the heart.)

  Now, what happened next was something I will never forget. I have always been a believer in the angels. I use tarot cards, I ask for guidance, I see psychics on occasion, but this experience truly rattled me. I looked up from where I sat. My entire body flushed with a wave of goosebumps and there, I swear on my life, in front of me was a huge bright light, it grew and it grew in size until it had covered the entire altar before me. I was in shock. My eyes were wide. My breath was paused. I was dry. And I was covered in goose bumps. I felt a warmth surround me and I suddenly stopped crying and then the light faded. Call it imagination if you will but after that moment my mind was free. I suddenly forgot what you looked like. I suddenly forgot what Grace looks like. I suddenly forgot about the way you make me feel every second of every day. And I was free. I grabbed my jacket and I felt guided out of the door. I hurried back to the ferry and couldn’t help but constantly turn around and look at that church. I nodded as it became one with the horizon and privately thanked God and Michael for helping me. They may not be able to heal my soul completely, but they have definitely managed to push me in the right direction.

  By the time I’m back on the ferry I have completely forgotten all about my experiences in the church, but I am in a great mood again. I end up back in Galway quite late, as I probably should have guessed I would do before and so decide it’s best that I book another night in the lodge, and get the bus home in the morning. I have another two days to kill after today so what’s the harm really. I take myself out for an absolutely incredible meal. For the evening I say fuck the carbs and fuck the calories and end up somewhere I don’t even know the name of eating pizza and drinking Corona’s again. I sit back in my chair, bloated and happy listening to a local trad band play songs I will never remember the names of.

  It is definitely time I did more of what I want to do in life. We, myself probably worst of all, constantly put our own happinesses in the back seat. Imagine if every time we did that, some guy came along, took one look at you and started to drive the car away. Sure, you’re so used to not even caring about yourself that you don’t notice for a while. But eventually you both crash into a wall and he runs out the car leaving you injured, bruised and on the edge of death and you have no idea how to take care of yourself. That’s exactly what not knowing who you are is like.

  I give Tripp a quick call before bed letting him know I’m fine and that I’ve decided to spend an extra night here. He doesn’t think it’s weird. I know that he’s picked up that I haven’t been okay lately and wants me to do what’s best for me.

  I’ve turned out the night light and I’m deep into ‘Eat, Pray, Love.’

  I brought it along with me because I started it a couple of months ago but kind of gave up when I ended up in puppy love with you. It was too hard for me to settle my mind on something like this again. I’m really enjoying it though. Then a strange thought comes into
my head. I believe the tools we need in life come to us only exactly when we need them. I look at the book and wonder if it’s a sign that I should be on a plane going somewhere far far away.

  “London,” I say out loud, “I need to book that trip to London!”

  I write down in my iPhone to book it when I get home then snuggle into myself. I’m asleep again in no time.

  I’ve had a rollercoaster of a day, I’ve definitely earned this rest.

  21

  I’ve decided that I don’t want to leave bed today. Check out isn’t until eleven and it’s literally just gone nine. I can’t make my mind up about leaving as to whether it’s because I’m really comfortable in this bed or if I’m in a really shitty mood. I can tell you one thing. And that’s the second I close my eyes at night, I’m thinking of you, and the moment I open them in the morning, I’m thinking of you again. I hate it. But it’s not killing me today, it’s not killing me today like it was yesterday. I start to feel a little bit shitty and then I remind myself that it’s up to me to turn this whole thing around. I can go either way from here, I can fall into the trap again or I can rebuild a new life for myself.

  After my own little self-pep talk I rise up out of bed with a stretch. I have a quick shower and go downstairs for breakfast and a smoke. I should be on the next bus back to Dublin, it’s not exactly round the corner. But I decide to be a stubborn little child and stay in Galway a little longer. I take a walk around the block and head back into town. I don’t go into any of the mainstream shops. Nothing interests me there. The markets however, they are definitely up my alleyway!

  I have my iPhone going with Mumford & Sons third album today. I like to pick my music tastes on how I’m feeling on that day. I’m wandering through the stalls. Not really sure what I’m looking for. Most of the ladies at the stalls don’t seem to take much interest in me anyway. I pause and glance over some of the handmade glass models or some of the local produce but no one gives me the time of day, not like I was going to buy any anyway, but some acknowledgement would have been nice.

  I know I said I love the markets, but I’m not exactly sure what it is that I love about them so much. I like to drift in and out, glancing at the cute things made by local and independent people but I never really see anything I would buy for myself.

  I’m a bit of a boho, but I’m also a bit of a minimalist, so if i don’t need it, I don’t buy it. I’ve kind of tugged on my own tail today, I think that I deserve to spoil myself a bit. But even with that, I don’t see anything I want, even if I had all of the money and space in the world. Then I come across a tent that’s filled with quirky little angel statues. I pull back the curtain and enter inside. I immediately feel warm and safe. There are two other girls at the counter. One of them has a massive grin across her face and is handing over a shit load of money. I continue to look around. There’s piles of crystals, tarot cards, incense sticks. This is definitely where I would invest my money!

  I try and think about what I should buy. Incense would probably be the best idea, I need to relax and what better way than with a stick of incense?

  As the girls clear away from the counter I have a guess at what the big grin was all about. Above the cash register is a poster advertising a local medium/psychic. I’m drawn to it. I don’t really have any disarming questions I’m especially curious about per say but something is telling me to see this person.

  “Hey, the psychic,” I say pointing to the sign on the wall, “is that just someone using tarot cards or?”

  The young hippyish looking girl at the counter smiles.

  “No, no tarot cards, just a psychic, she’s also a bit of a medium so if she has messages coming in from people who have passed away then she will let you know.”

  I look at the price. It’s forty euro for twenty minutes, that’s highway robbery. Psychic’s are always expensive but that price is something else entirely. I consider it for a second, I don’t want to pay that much but something deep inside of me is telling me to just fucking doing it! I look around the register.

  “There’s no card machine is there?” A bit of a stupid question.

  “No, nearest hole in the wall is just out over there and to your left,” she says signposting with her arm.

  I nod and thank her and am on my way.

  I’m shaking. It’s weird. I feel scared. I just want this to be over with quickly. I withdraw my money and hurry back. There are now two ladies behind the cash register.

  “Hello,” says the second. She’s young and she’s blonde and if I’m not wrong, she’s pregnant too. “Just the twenty minute reading today?”

  “Yeah.” I say.

  “Follow me,” she guides me through another curtain to the back of the stall.

  The room is like an old wooden cargo shed. It’s lit dimly by an old office light near the roof. It’s not the most disturbing room in the world but it’s also not the most welcoming. You can hear people walking around outside the stall. I feel a little uncomfortable in opening up to her, which is fine, because if she’s worth the money I am about to pay I shouldn’t have to say a lot.

  “Wow,” she says looking deep into my eyes with her cold black eyes. “You’ve been through a lot this past year haven’t you.”

  I am very conscious of my body language right now, I don’t like to think I’m giving things away.

  “Yeah…” It’s not as if she’s pointing out something specific.

  “Okay, and I can see you’re still in a lot of pain, your wounded, your soul is hurt.” She’s looking dead on at me, like a sniper on a fleeing prisoner. I gulp.

  “Okay…”

  “Do you have any questions for me at this stage?”

  “I guess I just want to know why all of the things that happened to me… well, happened.”

  “Well, because they were supposed to.”

  “Were all of my feelings true? Or was I being deceived all along?”

  “No, you weren’t being deceived, but somebody hasn’t been totally honest with you either. I’m sensing there’s some kind of deep connection to someone… this person, a connection that you can’t just get rid of by choice. I’m sensing you have mutual friends or you work together or something…”

  “Yeah, work together.”

  “You need to get out of this, I can feel it, it’s really really strong. I can feel the chemistry between the two of you, it’s overwhelming!”

  I feel like I am made of stone. I have no feelings, no movement, no thoughts.

  “And was this person feeling the same way that I was all along?”

  “Yes, you’ve found one of your soulmates. Look, I might be wrong but I’m sensing some kind of affair, there’s an affair here isn’t there? You’re the other person, on the side.”

  “Bingo…” I say sounding exhausted.

  “Yep, look, you can wait around for this person for a really long time, and I can tell that this person wants something with you as much as you want it with them but they’re not on the same page as you. They’ll catch up, in their own time, but you’ve been through this stage in your life.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m picking up that the person you’re talking about is more interested in image and money and what people think whereas you’re the opposite, you don’t need money to be happy and you don’t care what people think.”

  “Well that is true… I guess…”

  “You need to leave.”

  “I’m trying to.”

  “No, I mean leave, have you considered going away for a while?”

  “Well, yeah, I am on the verge of booking a holiday to London actually.”

  “That’s where you’re from isn’t it? Well, that’s where your family is?”

  “Yer…”

  “Yeah, I can see you going back there, but, have you considered moving back there?”

  “Possibly…”

  “Yeah, I can see that happening and I can see that working out really well for you. You can
’t stay here, if you want to stay here and wait around for your efforts to be met in the middle you’re just going to end up humiliated. This bond is so strong that it’s not going to just go away with time. The only way to get rid of it is to stop the communication, end the texting, don’t look at pictures, don’t work together.”

  I pinch myself out of anger, you see how fucking complicated you’ve made my life?!

  “This has come at the perfect point in your life.” She says, “you need this, you need this to push you away because there’s something much better for you just over the horizon.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There’s someone in this world that you have a strong spiritual connection to. The love that you’re feeling now, it’s nothing, you just think you’re in love, it has nothing on what’s going to happen next… but you need to empty that blockage in your head. You need to remove this toxic person from your life so that you can vacuum in a true love.”

  “I see… so why do you think that we can’t be together if we are meant to be… if we are soulmates like I truly believe that we are….”

  “You are soulmates, I can tell that you’ve obviously had some kind of unfinished businesses from your past lives and you have crossed paths in order to learn things from each other, but it needs to end now and you need to go down the rest of this path without them.”